“Everyone’s coming up to me half in tears, ‘Arj, what about global warming? What about climate change and the planet?’ And everybody’s convinced that the earth has a problem because it’s so hot. But how come I don’t hear a single intelligent individual, aside from myself, suggest the seemingly obvious possibility that the Earth is just fine, thank you — but there’s something wrong with the sun?! ‘Cause I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that son of a bitch is where all the heat is coming from! And all I’m sayin’ is, when I burn my toast, I don’t blame the bread.”—
This May marks the six-year anniversary of my mom passing away from multiple myeloma, a form of cancer. I still miss her so much. Sometimes I dream about her and I’m so angry when I wake up because I realize she’s gone…again. I would give anything, do anything to see her again, to tell her how much she meant to me, and to get one more hug.
My mom was the happiest and most positive person I’ve ever known. She always had a smile on her face and she didn’t care what anyone thought about her. She was the life of the party and everyone always lover her immediately. What embarrassed me the most when I was younger is the same thing I’ve come to respect the most about her - she never let anyone get away with disrespecting her or talking down to her, but she never held a grudge either. I wish I was more like her in that sense.
Six years ago, a part of me died as well. I feel like my ability to love was taken away. I mean, what’s the point of opening your heart and caring about someone when everyone just leaves you in the end? What’s the point in loving someone when, no matter how much you love someone, it isn’t enough to keep them around?
I’ve tried so hard to put as much distance as possible between myself and others so that I can never feel that loss, that hurt ever again. Most of the time, I feel like I’m just surviving each day - not enjoying it or even really experiencing it - and I always wonder when it’s going to start getting better or if it ever will.
I have lost myself in all of this. I feel like I’m in a fog or something and I can’t see where I’m going. I try so hard not to think about any of this, and I know that isn’t helping me cope with the magnitude of this loss. I mean, how do you say “goodbye” to your mom, your best friend? I still haven’t figured that out yet.