I eat food.I eat trout and mashed potatoes and spaghetti and Twinkies. I love food. Food is sexy to me, but you don’t control my body! I’m gonna have an abortion. But you try to chop me down at my knees. You try to take who I am and what I believe in, and my feelings, and my feelmotions, and my emolings, which are the feelings in my molars. Chomp chomp on insecurity! Chomp chomp on celery, which has no carbs!
What I know is that one in every ten black men in America is in jail. I know that three out of every five Asian women is in jail. And yet we move slowly like snails. Escargot get yourself a conscience! And where are you? You’re at the Olive Garden. What can you eat at the Olive Garden? Trout! What can you eat at the Olive Garden? Spaghetti!
All I know is that when I’m at the Olive Garden, I’m family, which means that I borrowed $10,000 from the waiter and never paid him back. But all you do is smoke your drugs and your trouts and you think to yourself, “What do I have? I have doubts. What’s inside of me, a cream filling?” No, you motherfucking Twinkie, it’s not a cream feeling. It’s a cream filling. “That’s one big Twinkie.” That’s from the movie “Ghostbusters”!
When we sit down for our Last Supper and we see all the plates in front of us. Maybe have a little trout, maybe have some mashed potatoes. And you know what goes good with both of those? Fried chicken. You know who loves fried chicken? Black people! You know who else loves fried chicken? Everybody! That shit is delicious food!
One thing I’ve come to understand over the last few weeks is that, no matter how crazy you are about someone, you have to fight your own demons, insecurities, and negative patterns if you want it to work. No matter how much you like someone, that doesn’t change. You have to want it bad enough and you have to fight constantly to make it work.
For me, that means not running away the second it looks like I have a shot at happiness. Easier said than done, but I think I’m ready to try.
Love yourself first and everything else will fall into place.
I’ve often heard it asked, “If you could go back in time and tell your younger self something, would you and what would it be?”
If I could tell myself anything that I know would save me years of struggle, my message would be simple: You are beautiful just the way you are; don’t spend your days at war with yourself; life is too short.
Too many teens, myself included in the not-so-distant past, get obsessed with this idea of “perfection” and try to fit into molds society puts in place for us, no matter how unrealistic they are. We starve ourselves, we throw up after meals, we exercise like mad, and for what? When we go down a dress size, are we any more happy than we were before? Of course not.
What is “perfection” anyway? We all know it’s not an attainable goal and that it doesn’t really exist but we torture ourselves anyway. The problem, then, isn’t external - what size clothes you wear, how big your boobs are, how straight your teeth are - it’s internal.
Every woman I know is constantly tearing herself down because they want to lose a few pounds. I’m no better. So this message isn’t just something my teenage self needed to hear; it’s something every woman, no matter her age, needs to hear.
Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t starve yourself or throw up after meals. Don’t spend hours in front of the mirror, pinching your skin, and picking apart everything that you wish you could change.
Every day, make a conscious effort to silence the voice inside your head that tells you you’re not good enough. Look in the mirror and see the beautiful things and celebrate the fact that you exist. That, in itself, is a miracle and something worth getting excited about.
It’s taken me a lifetime to realize that I’m okay exactly the way I am - flaws and all. Sure, I have my bad days. And anyone with a past eating disorder can tell you that every day is a struggle and you have to recommit to staying well. But, these days, I’m choosing to be my friend instead of my enemy.
I’m not perfect, I never will be, and that’s okay.
“Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”—Don Miguel Ruiz
On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as quite informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian.)
“Ahh, well, prepare to put mustard on those words for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark ‘Egg on Your Face.’”—Maurice Moss
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”—President Theodore Roosevelt
Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.
None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we’re trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”—James 1:2-4
“Only keep people around you who lift you up when you’re down and support you for who you are. That doesn’t mean throw out the ones who show you tough love… But just choose carefully your company. Think of the people who make your world a positive place and who YOU want to make the world a positive place for.”—Hayley Williams (Paramore)
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”—Ephesians 4:31-32
“Have you ever just looked at someone and thought, “I really love you”. They’re just talking or humming or watching a movie or reading a book or laughing or something, and there’s something about them in that moment—their body is alive, there’s a light in their eyes, something—that makes you think, “I just really love you.” It’s a weird sensation to think this, but it’s pretty awesome that we can feel this way about another being.”—Welcome to the Dahlhouse:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short not to enjoy it. 4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. 5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need. 6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself. 7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone. 8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for things that matter. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. 12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways. 18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Overprepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’ 27. Always choose Life. 28. Forgive but don’t forget. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do. 35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need. 42. The best is yet to come… 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”
The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked. The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers with a friend.”